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5 Ways End the Fear of Intimacy

As women it’s not easy for us to just end it with the relationship intimate thing and close ourselves off from getting hurt. So, when it does happens it’s one of those things that once it is closed it’s almost impossible to reopen even when you really want to. You finally find a great guy and it’s time to be open, share feelings and perhaps even go beyond kissing, but something is keeping you from the full enjoyment of it. Most of the time it’s the fear of being hurt again and wondering if there is something wrong with you the reason why the past happened the way it did. You don’t have to stay stuck with being caged in. There are ways that you can get yourself through this with psychological proven methods. Here are five ways to get started working through the fear of intimacy:

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The first step to not acting on our fears is to recognize that we have them. The fear of intimacy isn’t a problem without a solution, but finding a solution means identifying that there is a problem. Having this problem may seem hard to relate to at first, since most of us claim that we want love in our lives. Many of us feel cheated or victimized by circumstance, while failing to see that our biggest obstacle is how we get in our own way. Whether it’s a worry of stirring up a past hurt or a re-creation of our childhood that’s at play, it will benefit us to gain a deeper understanding of our less conscious motivations that damage our closest relationships (Firestone, 2014).

  1. History Review – Look in your past where the relationship had ended. How did you feel right after the break-up? What were the main things that were said that hurt you? What ways might we be pushing/have pushed love away?
  2. Stop Listening to Your Negative Thoughts – The one’s that say you need to dump him before he dumps you. The voice that says you need to go through his phone or sniff his clothes for evidence. Definitely the one that says you are not good enough.
  3. Challenge Your Defense – “It may have felt threatening, even dangerous, to open up to someone as a child or show our feelings in our family, but these same defenses are no longer constructive to us in our current relationships. Perhaps, pretending we didn’t care helped guard us from the pain of feeling neglected or invisible, however that same attitude will make it hard to accept loving feelings that are extended to us today (Firestone, 2014).”
  4. Allow Yourself to Feel – Whatever feelings that come up when you even think about being someone new or opening to a guy, allow it to be. Don’t try to shut it off or dismiss it. Sit in it for a while until it dissolves on its own. Let yourself know that what happened in the past doesn’t necessarily have to happen in the future.
  5. It’s Time for Vulnerability and Openness – “Don’t call him for at least three days. Don’t say “I love you” first. Don’t tell him how you feel. Don’t let him see how much you like him. Being vulnerable is a mark of strength, not weakness. It means ignoring the voices in your head and acting on how you really feel. When you do this, you learn that you can survive, even when you get hurt. You’ll be able to live with more honesty and possibility, knowing that you’ve stayed yourself, even when the world around you wasn’t perfect (Firestone, 2014).”


Keeping your feelings bottled up just makes it harder to experience the greatest parts of a healthy relationship. It may feel like you have control but really you don’t. The past completely has you under it spell if you don’t take care it first. Real love is openness and sharing the greatest part of yourself with someone you care about and you can’t put limits on that.

Author: Jessica Brown

Firestone, L. (2014) 5 Ways to overcome your fear of love. Psychology Today. Retrieved on October 26, 2015 from:

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